2012-01-31 - 7:42 p.m.
You wonder how things could ever get this ugly. You lose sleep, continue to feed your nicotine and caffeine addiction until its the only taste left on your tongue, you jog your memory, and all you can seem to remember is how everything was always so beautiful in the start. The momentum, the excitement, the butterflies, and the hope. But after going at it on and off for 4 years, you lose your patience and your momentum starts to wane.
You have regressed to listening to Bon Iver, Coldplay's "Scientist", but dear god, never the smiths. You can't, because it is The Smith's and Bowie that eventually brought you back together that one night after you thought the end was dead in the water a year ago.
But then it feels like a nightmare, and you can't believe you are going through this ride like you did 3 times before. You calculate and figures, images, and memories of doors slamming, traces of cocaine under you nose, your sheer arrogance, the tears, and me walking away again and again.
You cry to your friends who have seen you in this state more times than the finger can count. You are ashamed because its the same story, different scenario. You pray that they know that everytime you meet with them on the verge of a breakdown, they are not secretly rolling their eyes and judging you for being so stupid. Because, really, I am so stupid.
We both have a hate for one another we can't and probably won't be able to reconcile.
They were right. You never should wake a romance that has already been laid to rest the many times before. Or else it will be the existence of a zombie half life, until everything is squeezed from the pulp and nothing else resides but a severe hole in your heart and an extreme hangover of a loneliness that you didn't think you would ever experience with him again.
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